June in the land of The Lady of Perpetual Petrification

Ah, June!  Dark thoughts finally dissipate and magic like this returns: The Abe tapes that had been passed down to roommate Ted by Barb, who had gotten them from David, and urged to listen to them by me (a fine example of Abe adherence when Barb first deposited me and Lulu in Ted's extra room after David died, where I collapsed, stayed stoned, and never came out), finally moved to the top of Ted's “to do” list and he just grandly announced that he received a great doctor report. This would be the first great doctor report in his entire life ever, and he’s my age. His muscle mass increased, and other signs of actual healing occurred. Ted describes his doctor, who cured himself of cancer, as “the doctor that doctors go to” because he has literally run into his other doctors in his office. After receiving his first ever great medical report he asked him how did he cure himself of cancer? His doctor told him Abe! This must be why Ted and I met. I was meant to introduce Ted to the greatest teacher in the world, and he was meant to introduce me to the doctor that I have been wanting. It's almost as if all you have to do is ask and it is given.

Good riddance to May, when the Thought Police come and imprison my inside crazy where I can't even find it. The Lady of Perpetual Petrification. When I say I lived my life on the edge, I don't mean as a daredevil, I mean life was one terror after another. As a child I once stayed awake an entire night, terrified of a button on my blanket. I was in a mental breakdown for a decade and even kept it from David, who knew me best. That was the hell he got me out of. He rescued me with his Abe CDs.

Now, most of the time, I just don't care that I'm terrified. Life seems odd if I'm not terrified. I have finally given in to my inner schizo and allowed my other personalities to deal with the fear while I live in a dreamy, misty world, the really true one. Lately, I have even been called “serene.”

There was this girl at work that was laughing and dancing alone in the kitchen and I asked her who she was talking to, and she said, “just the party in my head.” She changed my life. I stopped hiding the party in my head. I realized almost everyone feels as joyous and connected as I do, and as genuinely happy to see me as I am to see them. And almost everyone is as terrified as I am. Of the future, of each other, of ourselves. We're protesting the world over for our dignity, squarely facing bullets aimed at our hearts. How terrifying is that? The whole world is on the edge. So, I'm gonna join the party (where I can cry if I want to).

I'm out lookin' for trouble. And I want to see it coming. So I went to the eye doctor. I haven't been to the eye doctor in so long that my records were destroyed – all two (left & right) digital files of them. I was pissed and told my eye doctor that. This time he emailed them to me right after my appointment:

He also told me I had gotten so used to seeing misty that he couldn’t do an accurate exam. My brain just wouldn’t go there. Yep, the story of my life.