On Widowhood

After my husband died he filled me. He had loved me so much that the love he left behind just flowed through me unceasingly, and it was all that kept me going. And after a while I realized he was gone, and it wasn’t his love that was filling me up any more, it had become something else. It was divine, so I suppose you could say I found god’s love. It gave me strength, so I suppose you could say I found inner strength. Whatever it was, and Whoever it belonged to, it was unrecognizable to me. It was Someone or Something I had never seen or felt or heard before. I had no words to describe it. It was a Zen koan. It was a riddle I must solve, and I knew the answer would blow my mind when I finally figured it out. It did. The answer was one word long. The answer was: Me.

David and I and God and Everyone Else and Mother Nature and Infinite Intelligence and Divine Love and Cosmic Energy and All Life and Jesus and Yahweh and Your Supreme Being of Choice all met my Inner Being and we became One: Me. I found Me for the first time since I began my search timeless eons ago. A search that led me on all my life’s adventures. Oh my fucking god.

So, yes, my husband’s death was tragic. I would have wished for many more years of his physical presence, and remained as happy and blissful as I was. But, had he not died, I would not have found Me so intensely. And I would not have found You, either. Because now that I have found me, you seem so alive and amazing to me. It was a blessing that my dearly loved husband died, even if things that remind me of him still tear my heart up. Life is on my side. The Dark Force will never overpower me.
So, if there are any widows out there and if by any wild chance you find your way to my blog, I love you and send you goddess hugs and know, even if you don’t, that your pain will lead you to where you belong. It is a gift. There are no “supposed tos” attached to it. It’s your pain, and you get to choose what to do with it. Nobody else can tell you how to use it. Others can advise you (and they will), but only you can know. Your pain will only speak to you and will patiently wait until you are ready to reveal its secrets.