So, this blog started out with me losing David, who was Everything. I didn’t even know what I had lost till he was gone. Although we had discussed each other’s death wishes, I had never ever actually contemplated him being GONE. I was not only mourning, I was completely lost. I had no idea at first what I had lost. It was way more than Everything. I took more for granted than I imagined one soul ever possibly could.
I had always thought I was the one that saved him. I remember the moment when he “let me in” (his words). It was a shock, because I had known him many years and had never seen him cry before, and there he was, a man in his 40s, broken down in sobs. He told me when he was 9 he watched his father drive away after abandoning him with his abusive grandmother, and he made the decision to never let anyone in again. I was honored and grateful that I finally broke through. I was terrified learning about this dark side of his past, and also in awe of my own power. It never occurred to me until he was gone that he had saved me first, and had never stopped. Neither of us had ever used the word “autism” -- it never even occurred to me until I wrote about it here a few months ago -- but he got me from the very beginning and buffered and protected me from the world. He was my buffer throughout our 30 years on what I will refer to from now on as "Mothership." We were bonded by an unspoken vow that we would never abandon each other. We didn’t abandon each other when he divorced me, which people thought was highly unusual, and we never “remarried,” we just annulled our divorce.
So, this blog started at the height of widowhood, where I was left all alone in a world that frightened the crap out of me, in a state of perpetual sexual arousal. The easiest way to describe it now is I went into an autistic episode that lasted 4 months, for which I went onto disability. I was disabled. The box that had held me together was gone and I was all over the place. I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t know anything. I had lost everything. I was a stranger in my own life, thrown onto a bare, cold rocky precipice, lost in a barren land with no lovely thing to be found anywhere in it. I did not know what anything was about.
That’s when the bliss started. Because David and I had discovered bliss together. We freed ourselves from bondage together. We learned to embrace our right in the world as Creators and began creating a new life together. And maybe whatever inner instinctual infinite intelligence that exists knew that our time was over. Because David had really reached closure on his life, and I needed to progress, and I wouldn’t have if David was always there (unknowingly to me) to protect me. I remember one of our epiphanies a few months before he died. I had never met David’s father, but I had always hated him because the stories of him were so horrible, such as abandoning him when he was 9. But upon blissing ourselves out, we saw our lives completely differently. We now saw his father as desperate for work, and probably had to leave town to work, which is why he left David with his grandmother who tried to poison him, but rather than seeing him as this evil dad, we saw he was doing the best he could. When his father realized his mother was poisoning his own son he immediately brought him thankfully, if briefly, to his one good aunt, where he would learn that he did have some good family. We couldn’t see life without love any more. And David slipped into that eternal love, and held me from there, and never let me go, and coached me back into bliss.
I was completely new. My old life, whatever it had been, was so gone, not from memory, but so gone from my existence, that it was gone from daily life and thought. No single creation from my old life was left, except my job. That thankless, tedious work I had done for 30 years was now blissful to me. I began receiving so much thanks that I realized for the first time that I was a doctor. A document doctor. Even the simplest thing like putting on a band aid or removing a blackhead assured them that their documents were now healthy and stable and all was well with the world. And, of course, when the prognosis is terrible, and major surgery is needed, my skills and time are so appreciated that I really feel the love.
I was so free, nothing could box me in anywhere. I was such a stranger in a such a strange land (Planet Earth), that I now belonged everywhere and anywhere. I saw my connection to everybody and everything, everywhere and anywhere, even places not visibly manifested yet. All those people and things around me were so lovely that there was no way I could say I lived in a lousy world. I was filled with everybody’s love, and my love flowed back to them, and I found God in each one of them, and the love was divine. I had lost everything and gained more than everything. I lost everything and gained everything back every single day. I lost My Religion and gained My Truth. I learned what everything was about. I found My Voice. My Peace. My Now. My God.
My God.
I have no more questions. I have only answers. All the questions I have asked over all the years of my life have been answered. I have completed my spiritual quest. There's no difference between life and death, in the same way that there is no difference between night and day. The light is always shining, but we see night and day.
So, now what? Is life really just to stay blissed out? To lose everything in every single moment, just to gain it all back in the next? Just to fully appreciate the richness of every moment? I don’t know. I simply don’t know what else to do. That’s all I know now, on this new strange, wondrous shore I’m on, all alone, looking out onto a horizon totally foreign to me. David was fond of telling me, “you wake up in a new world every day.” I never knew what he meant by that, but I guess his suggestion either worked hypnotically on me, or he recognized and appreciated the true me in a way nobody else ever did. Regardless, the question remains, is this what life is all about? Just to love and lose and love just to lose again? To live and die and win and lose, and feel joy and feel pain, and just let it all in? Because there is no death, and life is what we create it to be, so it’s all a grand illusion anyway. So is that the answer, to just enjoy the hell out of this illusion? It has to be, because I don’t have another answer. And since I don’t have another question, it’s the only answer I have.
Sometimes I’m so glad and excited that I have some followers on my journey with me. I like to feel that I’m not alone. Because I really have no idea where I’m going, and I’m sure that wherever it is I end up that I could use some friends there. So, I guess my journey continues, even though I don’t quite see a way across the chasm to the other side yet. The other side where new questions and inspiration tantalize me, just out of reach. Thank you for staying with me. I love you. I have had such a wonderful morning writing this. Thank you all. Truly.
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