Goodbye 2010

3/21/10

Seen on TV, 15 seconds long:

Host: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Peter Yarrow."

Peter Yarrow, in a dumpy backstage room, sitting on a chair with an acoustic 6-string guitar, facing a simple mike on a floor stand, sings the below in the style of a children's song, almost as if you can see the circle of kids around him on the floor. A blurb comes up for a short while that says, "Peter Yarrow/Peter, Paul and Mary".

When I had my colonoscopy

I had a question on my mind

Do we all look the same
When the doctor sees us from behind?

Then I had the answer
I felt like such a fool.
Because the doctor smiled and said to me
Your colon's really cool (makes a scrunchy funny face)

Host and blurb:  "Hear more of "The Colonoscopy Song" at cbscares.tv"


May, 2010
Remember when I bought my new used car in May?  This was the ad my credit union was running for a car loan at the time.

May 28, 2010

Email exchange:


Doc Ctr operator: I'm sorry, did you say "typos"?


Attorney: I meant the inevitable misuse of words by lawyers who constantly exercise their prerogative to change their minds about trivial things.


June 18, 2010

I called a consumer line regarding a beauty product and the recorded message said "your estimated wait time is one minute and three seconds." Honestly, I didn't count the seconds, but that turned out to be an amazingly accurate "estimate."

July 3, 2010

August 2010
I looked in the mirror and drew myself, wondering who I reminded myself of?

I reminded myself of the "Cathy" cartoon!!  I have her shape!

Ack!!

September 18, 2010
Note Ted left me.

September 20, 2010

I googled "mineral oil" and found dozens of comments about it, although I don't know what they were responding to. Regardless, Arbonne (a line of women's make-up) came up among them, which interested me because I had had some experience with Arbonne. I came across one comment so memorable I wanted to keep it for posterity:

"While it is proven that whatever you put on your skin *is* absorbed into your body -- I've found a *new* use for Mineral Oil. *Ready*?!? -- Use Mineral Oil to *cool your computer*. That's right baby. Liquid cooling. Drown your motherboard *and* power supply, video card, RAM, fans, *everything* into a small aquarium or container and drown it in mineral oil. It is *non* conductive *and* it absorbs heat very well. Deadly quiet. I'm using it now on my old P4 3.0 GHz. Check out Youtube and Google. Overclockers dream. But can be messy. Don't get any on the carpet. And yes, I use Arbonne products as well."

October 20, 2010
From Niece K's "too cute" gift calendar.  This is so true.  Even looks like Lulu, if Lu had long hair.

December 4, 2010

On the road:

• Old truck, cigarette hanging out the window, American flag, Auto Club sticker,  "Home Depot is my toy store" bumper sticker, something about how good a student kid is bumper sticker, plus too many others to make note of while driving - license plate:  FWILLY
• "Fire" painted truck with firy mudflaps and smoking exhaust - license plate:  VIPR DNA
• 20 year old dark blue 4-door, no bumper stickers - license plate:  GODIN ME

December 7, 2010

I have been using Bare Escentuals mineral makeup since the days when they were very exclusive and only had salons in Paris, New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles. They started making infomercials, but when the lip gloss I ordered arrived in this packaging I realized how truly trashy they have become. You've come a long way down, baby!

December 19, 2010
I swear this crossed my path today at a stop sign.  I'm not kidding.  Ok, the spaceship is a slight exaggeration, but only slight.

December 31, 2010

I did NOT want to come into work today.  Even Ted had today off, and Ted works for demon spawn.  I crawled out from under 2 warm down quilts and just pulled my jeans over the thermal underwear I had been sleeping in all night and dragged myself to work. If Helena Bonham Carter doesn't always comb her hair, I don't see why I have to. First, I left really late but got here in record time because I was the only person on the road.  Next, as I clocked in I walked into bagel heaven.  Apparently some new bagel company wants our firm's business, and sent over a dozen different kinds of bagels, cream cheese, pastry platter and fruit platter.  Any pastries with chocolate in them will definitely adjust my attitude.  Not to mention I felt like a kid in a candy store tasting cream cheeses.  Which I told my manager when she walked in.  Not that I wouldn't have traded this blissful experience for not having to have come in at all, which I bitched about to the next person who walked in, not that I knew her or had ever even seen her before.  I just felt I could count on her to agree with me, and she did.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, bagel in hand (is it polite to type if your hands are full?), co-worker is on the phone explaining section breaks in detail to someone in Silicon Valley.  Apparently his explanations are falling on deaf ears, because the coversation has now waxed to impatiently broken-recordish repeatings of, "it's best to just leave them alone."  Isn't Silicon Valley where all the computer geniuses are?

Checking my emails, I must say this one from the president of our firm touched me.  He could be full of crap, and I know there are people in the world that would assume so. But I'm not jaded, and if he really did mean it how could he prove it?  How else could he have said it?  What do insincere people say when they are being sincere?  And honestly, it's the way I feel about the firm myself, if not right now at this moment! 

I have read so many nice emails this morning from different people saying thanks to those they work with at the firm. Let me just take this time to thank all of you for all your hard work, dedication and commitment. I know that the past few years have not been easy. During these challenging times, a great deal of understanding and patience has been asked of you. As Henry Ford stated, "Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success." We have stuck together as a team, and have continued to work together as a family, which to me truly defines success.

I am very fortunate to have the opportunity to work with each of you. The success and accolades of our firm do not occur by working in silos. They happen as a result of the team camaraderie and hard work of our business staff and attorneys. Please know that your efforts do not go unnoticed.


Wishing you and your families a healthy and happy New Year. Looking forward to a successful 2011!

I mean, if I have to work today, I would rather read emails like that than emails like this one that just came in:  "There is no one in our Document Center today. I need this document opened. Can you assist and send me a pdf of the opened document?"

Surely, they'll let us go an hour early like they did Christmas Eve Eve.  And then my holiday can really start.  Or, I think I'll just start it right now.  Happy New Year!!!

What's on my mind

My first follower told me I was always interesting.  That meant a lot to me because I had gotten so lost.  I didn't know who I was any more.  But having a follower say how much he enjoyed my blog, well, that caressed my flattery bone enough to inspire me to keep this stupid blog alive.


I was so excited about blogging when I first started because I got all my "aha" moments as I was writing. And then it seemed like there would be no more "aha" moments, so blogging lost its appeal.  But all I ever did was talk about what was on my mind, and I can still do that.  My journey isn't over.  Stuff is still on my mind.  (Huh?  Did I say that out loud?)


What's on my mind now is stuff like "wow, squeeze fresh lemon on [I forget, a too green mango?], sprinkle stevia granules, salt and cayenne pepper, and it's really delicious."


Oh, I just lifted up a bottle of water to drink from and it really hurt.  First, I've been suffering from muscle pain in my left arm and back, which thanks to my roommate (who knows everything there is to know about bodily maladies) asked me if it was because of the recent moist weather?  Aha moment!  I connected the dots for the first time Duh:  muscle pain = probably raining or in a moister environment than body is used to.  I am so glad to know it will go away when it stops raining.  I mean really, it's time I learned these things.  (This would be the same Roommate Ted that pointed out to me that I was autistic - you really should know these things by the time you're 60.)  I'm serious, I was really upset that I was getting old and decrepit, but I have a Jewfro for the first time in my life because my environment is so moist.  I've got to move!  Have I mentioned yet how much I have wanted to move? I've been wanting to move pretty much since I started this blog.  Which is why I force myself to love where I live because I may never live anywhere as nice as here ever again.  Second, I just received 2 shots (flu & pneumonia) in one arm, and a tetanus combo in the other arm that already hurt (I didn't want to have TWO arms I couldn't sleep on).


Yes, I saw the doctor today, my first time with a new primary care physician in my new neighborhood.  I will soon be visiting a baby cousin whose mother wanted me to get my shots first before meeting the baby.  The doctor recommended all these shots (it was the first time I heard about the pneumonia one), and I took him up on it even though I hardly ever get sick, because I do want to start traveling and exposing myself to all sorts of germs.  And I peed in a cup and had blood drawn and everything else he recommended.  This doctor's office was FAST.  The receptionist handed me 2" of forms to fill out and said my doctor was fast and he was ready for me before she finished her sentence.  The doctor sent me right into his nurse who immediately did the weight/blood pressure thing, I barely got a line in a form filled when the doctor was back (nearly colliding in the doorway with the nurse on her way out), he saw me and talked with me and did not seem rushed at all, fully and patiently answered all my questions about all his recommendations and sent me to get my blood drawn where the nurse was IMMEDIATELY available to give me excellent service IMMEDIATELY.  I managed to finish up the paperwork just as I was escorted back out to reception, where my forms were reviewed and everything put in order and I owed nothing!!  Which was another reason I went through this hell - if I lose my job for any reason, my insurance goes with it, so I may as well take advantage of our free annual preventive care doctor visits, and was quite pleased (if pained) by how quickly I got all that taken care of.  Having said all that, I didn't like my doctor, and hope to find another one in the same medical group there that will suit me better.


I also had a full dental checkup this month.  I get my twice yearly appointments with the hygienist, and it was just time to see the dentist, I think it had been over a year.  He took x-rays and everything - and was particularly proud of using a tiny camera to take digital close-ups of one particular tooth to avoid more x-rays.  It was such a simple idea, but he's the only one doing it.  He's telling ears-nose-throat doctors about it, because they could do the same thing.  Genius. There was also a new patient that day who told me that where she lives "dentist" basically means "guy that makes teeth pretty but doesn't give damn about teeth."  Well, my dentist told me 36 years ago he could save my teeth and I've never seen another dentist, so I was incredulous at what I was hearing.  I told her, "well, you've come to the right place." And she said, "that's what I keep hearing!"  I would have talked to her further, as I had barely even touched on the dentist's photography, when the dentist's wife grabbed me to show me his new scrapbook (he has a racing car that brings him all over the world, and he draws and writes in scrap books about the trips).  On this particular visit, however, I was entranced by the slide shows in the exam rooms.  Dr. and wife explained to me that their son happens to be very good friends with the queen of Bhutan, and I learned as well that my dentist has written the very first cookbook of Bhutan cuisine ever in the whole world, and the slides were pictures of the queen of Bhutan with his (my dentist's) son.  But, I digress.  Promptly that evening (unfortunately Friday), my crown falls off!  I was uncomfortably squeezed in on Monday to have the dentist put it back on.  It promptly fell off AGAIN on Thursday!  Guess where I was first thing Friday morning driving through Friday morning rush hour traffic??  Oh, and because of all my backaches I also saw the chiropractor this month, who told me my back wasn't out, that it was just muscle pain (he failed to mention anything about moist weather, however).


So, as you can imagine, I am sick of seeing doctors this month!!  Oh - and more, my new primary care doctor's office was ready to schedule me for my NEXT annual checkup!  Can you believe that?  I couldn't.  I confirmed, "I can make an appointment for a year from now today?"  Yes.  I told her, you know, I have decided to never again see a doctor in the month of December.  I probably won't get another physical until 2012.  "Ok, I'll mark your file for that," she said brightly.  I asked, "you mean you can make an appointment for me now in 2012?"  Yes.  I told her I would call her anyway.  But, I digress.  But that's how I think.  One digression after another.  Isn't that what life is?


So, as sick as I am of seeing doctors this month, the good news is I'm all caught up on my shots!! And I'm not growing older, I'm growing moister.  Oh - another "aha" moment.  Skyping for the first time with Kathy on Christmas Eve (we've only been trying to for a year or so), I was surprised to learn she has basically the same texture hair that I do, meaning she was also surprised to find out her hair was curly (she also just returned from a stint in moist weather, herself).  And she commented, "sometimes I brush my hair out just to get rid of the mess."  For me it was like, "wow, you can do that?"  I haven't brushed my hair in years, other than just before washing it.  But never as an actual hair style.  But yeah, I could do that, just like my mother did when I was a little girl.  Duh.  It will make it straight and get rid of the mess!  Well, my mother died when I was 10, and I pretty much haven't brushed my hair since then.  But I have cleaned my room.  I even make my bed.  Today Lulu helped me make the bed.  She likes it her way.

This was Christmas (R and J's house).  In the first shot Roommate Ted is "flashing" my camera.  In the second shot he has sat down with a self-satisfied grin.  The camera basically did this by itself while sitting haphazardly on the kitchen counter as I tried to figure out what the lense was seeing (which is why I am not in the picture).  But I couldn't see anything until I got home and found this little gift from Santa.

That was then, this is nuts

So although the past is becoming more irrelevant with each passing moment, my life is a myth, and I may as well start to tell my story. I’ll start with right now, the only thing of relevance. Right now the only item in the in-box is the email announcing the holiday hours for the document center. There are home made cookies and See’s candy all over the office. Today we had Friday bagels, even though it was Thursday.  So far, this is a great day at work.

On Monday I had an awful misgiving that another recession was on the way and our office was closing. When I arrived to work the human resources manager walked in with my 10 year award and a hug. It was a magical moment. I placed it next to my 5 year award (they look exactly the same). Then I asked her where my co-worker’s award was? She acted all bitchy like she did when I got protective of a former co-worker. This time I didn’t care. This time I allowed her to deal with it. I protect my group. I’m fierce warrior mother. Get over it. She gave me some lame excuse. (I didn’t get my 5 year award until my 6th year, although my co-worker had gotten his. I suppose now it’s his turn to wait an extra year for his 10 year award.)  I still love Bitch HR Mgr.  She was a peach to me when David died, and I will never forget that.  She saved my job for 4 months in this crappy economy.


But this firm is also more loyal (although waxing bitchy of late) than any I have ever worked at, which is why I actually made it to Year 10.  The place I worked the longest before here they fired me just shy of my 10th anniversary, on the day before my birthday.  And that wasn't even the worst of that place.  I burst into tears when I was fired.  The guy firing me said, "why are you crying?  You hate it here!"  He was right.  Getting fired from that prison was a blessing.  The guy that fired me took over 3 positions (CAO, HR Manager and Office Mgr) after a merger, and had only been there 3 weeks, but my attitude at that place was legendary.  All the document center operators were totally out of control.   I still love those guys.  And we're all still document center operators, in all different places. None of us have retired yet. 

This is something I have thought countless times, but didn’t know I thought it until I read it in my niece’s blog. I am really in love with this niece. I fell in love with her when my nephew introduced her on their wedding website a couple of years ago. This is what she wrote:

“…did you ever notice that you can fall in love with people, non-romantically, similarly to how you fall in love romantically? That's how it works for me. An acquaintance turns into a new friend when I start making one on one plans with them or if that's not a possibility, maybe I connect more deeply with phone calls or blogging or emails. At first a new friend is almost a novelty - a "Yes! Someone new to hang out with" thing. A new world to discover and explore. And then one day, whether I notice it happening or not, I discover that I love this person, that I've fallen in love. And there's a huge difference. I may feel a rush of affection when I see this person. I may miss them after too long without hanging out. I may feel that love ache just by thinking of this person. It's wonderful. It's love in the platonic sense. And you can stay in love for years or forever, even when your proximity and your lives in general change, and change again.”

I am so in love with everyone. Because I love each moment. Even the ones that ache. There are so many things about life that I don’t like, but I don’t mind that.  Not even growing old. My body aches so much I can hardly dress myself any more, but I kind of like it. I have spent years hating my job, and the life career that I fell into. Now I love my job and the people I work with, even the people I don’t like. For one thing, the past year is the first time in more than 35 years that I actually worked during the day and got to meet the people I work for.  Of course, in this modern age most of the people I now work for are in other cities and I only know them by email.  But you know, when I walk around there are actually people around instead of dark, empty offices.

Today a secretary who sometimes helps us out with simple requests came in to see if we needed any help, and we didn’t, so we got to talking and she mentioned how document centers have changed over the years. I was amazed to be talking to someone familiar with 40 years of document center history.  I asked her what her observations were? She started to say, well, we used to be on cards. “Yeah…,” I encouraged her to go on. And tons of you guys in huge rooms. “Oh yeah, we needed huge rooms because the machines in those days were like little rooms they built around you.” Yeah, she agreed, knowing exactly what I was talking about!  And she continued with, “and the attorneys didn’t know anything about computers…” to which my co-worker piped up with, “and things have changed how?” After we all cracked up he closed the conversation with, “That was then, this is nuts.”

Is this the end of my blog?! If so, thank you and I love you.

So, this blog started out with me losing David, who was Everything. I didn’t even know what I had lost till he was gone. Although we had discussed each other’s death wishes, I had never ever actually contemplated him being GONE. I was not only mourning, I was completely lost. I had no idea at first what I had lost. It was way more than Everything. I took more for granted than I imagined one soul ever possibly could.


I had always thought I was the one that saved him. I remember the moment when he “let me in” (his words). It was a shock, because I had known him many years and had never seen him cry before, and there he was, a man in his 40s, broken down in sobs. He told me when he was 9 he watched his father drive away after abandoning him with his abusive grandmother, and he made the decision to never let anyone in again. I was honored and grateful that I finally broke through. I was terrified learning about this dark side of his past, and also in awe of my own power. It never occurred to me until he was gone that he had saved me first, and had never stopped. Neither of us had ever used the word “autism” -- it never even occurred to me until I wrote about it here a few months ago -- but he got me from the very beginning and buffered and protected me from the world. He was my buffer throughout our 30 years on what I will refer to from now on as "Mothership." We were bonded by an unspoken vow that we would never abandon each other. We didn’t abandon each other when he divorced me, which people thought was highly unusual, and we never “remarried,” we just annulled our divorce.


So, this blog started at the height of widowhood, where I was left all alone in a world that frightened the crap out of me, in a state of perpetual sexual arousal. The easiest way to describe it now is I went into an autistic episode that lasted 4 months, for which I went onto disability. I was disabled. The box that had held me together was gone and I was all over the place. I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t know anything. I had lost everything. I was a stranger in my own life, thrown onto a bare, cold rocky precipice, lost in a barren land with no lovely thing to be found anywhere in it. I did not know what anything was about.


That’s when the bliss started. Because David and I had discovered bliss together. We freed ourselves from bondage together. We learned to embrace our right in the world as Creators and began creating a new life together. And maybe whatever inner instinctual infinite intelligence that exists knew that our time was over. Because David had really reached closure on his life, and I needed to progress, and I wouldn’t have if David was always there (unknowingly to me) to protect me. I remember one of our epiphanies a few months before he died. I had never met David’s father, but I had always hated him because the stories of him were so horrible, such as abandoning him when he was 9. But upon blissing ourselves out, we saw our lives completely differently.  We now saw his father as desperate for work, and probably had to leave town to work, which is why he left David with his grandmother who tried to poison him, but rather than seeing him as this evil dad, we saw he was doing the best he could. When his father realized his mother was poisoning his own son he immediately brought him thankfully, if briefly, to his one good aunt, where he would learn that he did have some good family. We couldn’t see life without love any more. And David slipped into that eternal love, and held me from there, and never let me go, and coached me back into bliss.


I was completely new. My old life, whatever it had been, was so gone, not from memory, but so gone from my existence, that it was gone from daily life and thought. No single creation from my old life was left, except my job. That thankless, tedious work I had done for 30 years was now blissful to me. I began receiving so much thanks that I realized for the first time that I was a doctor. A document doctor. Even the simplest thing like putting on a band aid or removing a blackhead assured them that their documents were now healthy and stable and all was well with the world. And, of course, when the prognosis is terrible, and major surgery is needed, my skills and time are so appreciated that I really feel the love.


I was so free, nothing could box me in anywhere. I was such a stranger in a such a strange land (Planet Earth), that I now belonged everywhere and anywhere. I saw my connection to everybody and everything, everywhere and anywhere, even places not visibly manifested yet. All those people and things around me were so lovely that there was no way I could say I lived in a lousy world. I was filled with everybody’s love, and my love flowed back to them, and I found God in each one of them, and the love was divine. I had lost everything and gained more than everything. I lost everything and gained everything back every single day. I lost My Religion and gained My Truth. I learned what everything was about. I found My Voice. My Peace. My Now. My God.


My God.


I have no more questions. I have only answers. All the questions I have asked over all the years of my life have been answered. I have completed my spiritual quest.  There's no difference between life and death, in the same way that there is no difference between night and day.  The light is always shining, but we see night and day.


So, now what? Is life really just to stay blissed out? To lose everything in every single moment, just to gain it all back in the next? Just to fully appreciate the richness of every moment? I don’t know. I simply don’t know what else to do. That’s all I know now, on this new strange, wondrous shore I’m on, all alone, looking out onto a horizon totally foreign to me. David was fond of telling me, “you wake up in a new world every day.” I never knew what he meant by that, but I guess his suggestion either worked hypnotically on me, or he recognized and appreciated the true me in a way nobody else ever did. Regardless, the question remains, is this what life is all about? Just to love and lose and love just to lose again? To live and die and win and lose, and feel joy and feel pain, and just let it all in? Because there is no death, and life is what we create it to be, so it’s all a grand illusion anyway. So is that the answer, to just enjoy the hell out of this illusion? It has to be, because I don’t have another answer. And since I don’t have another question, it’s the only answer I have.


Sometimes I’m so glad and excited that I have some followers on my journey with me. I like to feel that I’m not alone. Because I really have no idea where I’m going, and I’m sure that wherever it is I end up that I could use some friends there. So, I guess my journey continues, even though I don’t quite see a way across the chasm to the other side yet. The other side where new questions and inspiration tantalize me, just out of reach. Thank you for staying with me. I love you. I have had such a wonderful morning writing this. Thank you all. Truly.

It's what I do

I have never been able to explain "what I do."  I came across this employment ad for a document center operator (encouraging!!), that has got to be made by some desperate operator, hoping to communicate to a clueless management that thinks the document center is overstaffed, how much he really does and how much help he really needs.  At first I thought this wasn't nearly a comprehensive enough list, although I had never seen its like before.  But then I got to the very last item - ah yes, those "special projects."  NOW the list of my glamour duties is complete.  [NOTE 3/26/11:  I came across another ad that described my industry as "Legal, Printing-Publishing," which was the most brilliantly accurate and short description I ever heard, and I finally have the quick, "cocktail party" answer that I've always wanted.]   

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The Document Specialist works as part of the document center and performs a variety of wordprocessing duties for the firm. He or she will utilize a variety of word processing skills to create, revise, format, repurpose and otherwise manipulate content into documents and other distributable formats for attorneys and staff at the firm. He or she will be responsible for assisting with the intake of document production work (via email, Regional Request System, walk-ins, and telephone), and maintenance of appropriate work logs in the document center.

Your responsibilities will include:

Creating, revising, formatting, and maintaining document files at an advanced level in "core applications" such as Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Acrobat and designated graphics programs.

Typing and/or assembling recorded or original material, documents, reports, financial/statistical data, and correspondence.

Creating templates, multiplying indexes, multiple TOCs, forms, and graphics; creates/edits equations and inserts links in various word documents.

Converting documents from one application to another and using application tools and add-ons to create and apply styles to documents.

Using specialized features within applications to create indexes, TOCs, TOAs, file labels, data files, merges, form documents, envelopes, etc.

Completing advanced-level projects in Excel and PowerPoint.

Utilizing Acrobat Professional to create searchable and non-searchable .pdfs, compress such .pdf files, create/revise forms, perform digital readbacks, extract text, apply proper security, add and subtract pages, and crop pages as needed.

Utilizing designated desktop publishing software to create banners, charts, graphs, invitations, maps, name badges, photos, etc.

Using "core utilities" such as OmniPage and DeltaView to fulfill customer needs.

Monitoring and responding to departmental mailbox and phones and processing emails received in the department mailbox according to established procedures.

Assisting with Word/Excel/PowerPoint help calls, and otherwise assist with workflow management as needed.    

Preparing detailed instructions regarding work requests being distributed to incoming Document Specialists and Document Services Assistants.

Providing accurate and timely completion of assignments and inquiry responses. Ensuring CDs are valid, work product is accurate, print quality is correct, styles and doc structures are correct, verifies page numbers and footers, and verifies spell check before each project is considered complete.

Providing support to the Document Services Assistants and Document Specialists as needed.


Assisting the Document Workflow Coordinators with intake, Proofreaders with proofing for accuracy, and department management with special projects.


Ed note 12/17/10:  Wow, there are even weekend jobs showing up in the want ads now!  There haven't been ads for years, but now it seems I could work 2 jobs again if I wanted, like in the old days!
This was taken from another employment ad:  The main responsibility is to routinely assist other specialists with technical or work-request related questions. Must have strong grasp of word processing functions. Candidates should have the desire to learn new programs at a fast pace and be able to disseminate information to the department. Must have the ability to troubleshoot, delegate and manage time. Excellent organizational skills needed. Ability to multi-task accurately and efficiently. In addition this position will need to be able to operate various software packages and peripheral equipment to record, edit, store, revise, convert and print legal correspondence, reports, pleadings, memoranda, manuscripts, statistical tables, forms and other materials utilizing clerical and computer skills. Assignments will involve complex, technically oriented documents and involve use of specialized software packages or equipment for legal specific document types, tables, mail merges, spreadsheet formulas, graphics, desk-top publishing or database.

My requests today:

First request:  “can you pls convert this to a readable Word doc?  Thanks” It took me almost one whole second to add the “.doc” extension and email it back, giving me high hopes for a quiet day when in came...

Second request:  Cassette tape left in the in-box.  My response:  Your request to transcribe a cassette tape from the dark ages has been completed.  Your ancient relic has been left for you in the "pick-up" box in the Document Center.

Third Request:  An unbearably long email chain I had to read through, starting with:  “Pls spell check (ignore "xx" which are notes to myself of things I still need to so; pls also ignore prompts to hyphenate words) and then send me (1) a clean copy (not a link) and (2) only those redline pages showing changes. Thanks!”

The next email in the chain indicates it was completed by Dallas, but it was returned to them by the user who said this:  “can you please double check this?   I had asked to get a pdf showing only those pages with changes and the PDFs are hundreds of pages long but dont seem to have any changes (I found one or two in 26 and thats it), and then forwarded on to us with this plea:  Can you please help Mr. Warrick? We are overwhelmed and understaffed. Thank you.

My co-worker forwarded this to Mr. Warrick with:  I am unclear of the status of this job.  Are you still waiting for service on this request?  If so, what still needs to be done?

Mr. Warrick wrote back:  “Dallas did a spell check and was supposed to send me only those redline pages showing changes but sent a 100+ document that appeared to have no changes. Pls ask the person who worked on this in dallas to answer my email rather than having someone else re-do the work

Thanks!

My co-worker had responded to that with “No idea who worked on it, but, in any case, it's unlikely they'd still be there at this hour.”

Of course Mr. Warrick responded to that useless information thusly:  “But they will be back later - can you pls follow up and ask them to get back to me?” which prompted aforementioned co-worker to send Dallas back this plea:  “Sorry Dallas, I'm trying to get a handle on this request, in between litigation rushes.  Apparently this request was worked on in Dallas yesterday, but forwarded to us for completion.  It looks like it was not completed here, and I'm not sure quite where to pick up on it.

The attorney has asked me to follow-up, and try to find who worked on it last night, and have them contact Sam (the attorney) about what still needs to be done.   Sorry if this is confused, but I am a bit confused about this and am just playing monkey-in-the-middle while trying to complete some other work.”

End of emails.  I could not believe that was the last email of the chain.  Nothing was made at all clear in any way.  It took me forever to figure out that what was wanted was idiot simple, but took only a mere 4 hours of soul-killing monotony to complete.

My response:   “Your second (ECIL 27) document had some kind of corruption in it.  First, there was no way I could stop the spell check from switching to Spanish language midway through the check, preventing an accurate spell check.  Second, it stopped 20 times per page for all the garbage words with an "&" sign in it.  So I searched and replaced those garbage phrases to remove them, but when I compared the documents none of those changes appeared in the redline, although it printed a redline of over 100 pages.  So, I went back and made the few changes I could remember OTHER THAN removing the "&" phrases, which resulted in just 3 pages changing.  I do not believe there is a way to get a thorough and accurate spell check for that second document.

All that being said, attached are your redline reports, showing only the pages that changed.  I have high hopes that this now completes your request.”

Fourth request:  “Can you covert this document to a word document on pleading paper. Terry and Jen need to work on  it. Thanks Craig”  I was miraculously able to access this document despite the fact that we did not have the application it was in on our computers, and complete this request in an hour, just in time for lunch.

After lunch I picked up the next request, dawdled for a few minutes before starting it, when -
Fifth Request: a rush reformatting blew in from the tech department, with no original attached. Lengthy series of emails trying to locate it, during the course of which I was to learn that I was getting an error message because there either had been an upgrade I was unaware of, or had not yet received but should have. Either way, after an hour of panic, and imagining the joys of going through yet another set of glitches from the latest upgrade, I was informed it was an error message we were all getting and was of no consequence. The hour wasn’t wasted entirely in panic, however. It took about that long to establish that whatever the tech department had done, it hadn’t made the document any more stable. It was not the first time a document that had exploded arrived in the document center. It is exactly nightmares like these that keep us awake at night and employed. And of course they wanted it now, because nobody expects a document to blow up while they’re talking to a client. I had misunderstood the entire situation when I gave them my first estimate of half an hour. It took me over 2 hours to put that piece of garbage back together, right up until the end of my shift, all the while fielding these requests:

• We are working on an alert to go out to many lobbyists on Monday. The Secretary of State’s website does not include their e-mail addresses; however a good portion of them e-mail addresses may be obtained through _____'s outlook contacts. I have highlighted the lobbyists to in _____'s contacts to create the list. There are over 400 individuals. Please call with the name of the center's individual who will be working on this so our IT person can give them temporary access. Thank you.

• This file has two attachments in need of printing.  I try to print and they are a bit "strange."  Could I ask your assistance, please?

• Easy revision by 10 Monday morning?

• I made a lot of changes and added many new cases. Pls redo tables accordingly. thanks.  pls also fix the footers. thanks

• Hi Gang, is anyone available to convert this doc for Laurie? I believe it's from a mac. Thx

• Would you please insert the following documents (forms) into the fifth version of Phoenix #3293790 so that they are correct and "functioning" within the document? 

• Please check numbering again.  Everything is numbered Section 1.

• Can some please take this pdf and convert it to a excel spreadsheet? I need to get this within the hour.

• Sorry but we have to manually file this document ASAP and the page numbering is all messed up.  Please fix.

• Can you please run a redline against the two documents? The first is the earlier.

• For some reason, this document keeps opening and treating itself as though it has comments and/or a redline in it by shifting to the left and inserting a huge right margin.  I can't see any comment or tracked change (although there were, at one time, comments in the doc).  Can someone please assist?

• The attached documents is "faulty." The Section numbers (second level of the numbering scheme only) do not appear on screen, and do not print, although they do show up on the TOC.  I need to send this document to the client for review. Please see what can be done to make sure that the second level section numbers appear in the document and print correctly.  Please let me know the results of your efforts.