"If my life is a message, what would my message be?"
I searched the internet for that exact quote, but apparently it isn't one, although the search did bring up others that have been struck by the notion that one's life is a message. Whatever my message is, I'm telegraphing it incessantly, so it is incredible that I actually don't know what it is! Maybe my message is, "I dunno, you know? I dunno." Some action I did on Mothership dealing with how my mind thinks concluded with the postulate "everything is nonsense." I could not argue that that hasn't been my life message.
"I have nothing to say and I'm saying it." - John Cage
And if that wasn't freaky enough, everything is a manifestation. My roommate said that to me the other day and it blew my mind. He was lying on the couch and casually tossed off, "everything is a manifestation." Floored me. It's like we wonder "when it will happen," we wait for "signs," totally missing the point that it ALL is a sign, it is ALL what we asked for. Everything around us informs us of exactly what we are creating at every moment, and everything can change in just one moment. Our life's message is all around us.
I look around at the manifestation that is my totally altered life, just as I'm forgetting what my life had been. I just got rid of my ancient printer, copy/fax machine and Windows computer. I hadn't used them in over a year. I also got rid of a box of electronic gadgets that had been David's that Barb had convinced me would be easy to sell on ebay, but I couldn't even remember what it was. Ted knew what it was and actually wanted it, so I gave it to him. David had also left me a box filled with pennies that is still sitting on my desk. I had it in the trunk of my car for months before I finally managed to haul that tonnage of pennies up to my room, where I put it on my desk and forgot about it. Just today I took a walk and ended up right in front of a bank I never knew was there. I've been meaning to get penny rolls for years for those stupid pennies (even before David croaked), but I don't have a bank. I finally went in and got those penny rolls. Now I'm looking at what else I can get rid of? I have two bookshelves of books that David had collected, one for Stephen Meader, and one for everything Edna St. Vincent Millay ever wrote or was written about her. I picked up Millay's biography for a momentary look and was absolutely captivated. David left me a gift. We loved characters, and what a character she was! And as I read her biography I have her entire collected works to refer to if I like.
I'm contemplating the rest of my life. I had hoped to retire early, but am scared to. A colleague worked so far past retirement age that social security ended up owing him a jackpot of money. He immediately retired and went traveling, called me out of the blue and took me to dinner. I hadn't seen him in 15 years. He told me he had been too scared to retire earlier because he didn't think he could live on social security. I'm thinking the same.
Here's a picture of us sometime in the 90s (left) with Pat (who I was talking to in "Happy Birthday Pat") who wasn't able to join us for dinner on a minute's notice, and on the right is us at the restaurant.
I'm also thinking my country is going to hell and wondering where else I could live. Canada? Maybe I could live in northern Maine. Northern Maine apparently IS Canada (they get their power from Canada, as we are unable to furnish them with power!) Brazil? I have always thought Portuguese was the most beautiful sounding language of all. I would love to learn Portuguese. I have been fascinated with the Netherlands also, since high school when I learned about their education system in some article. I hear Amsterdam is a great city.
Or, I could stay here, where I could find work til the day I die. My two favorite ever managers now work together in the same firm, where I could probably always get work. The job agencies that know me are still around, and still contact me when they are looking for skilled operators. I thought this career was dying so many times, it's amazing it is still around with so many losing their jobs. For years I looked for something else to do as document centers closed down. Personal computers on everyone's desks rendered document centers a thing of the past, and want ads for them disappeared. But here I am still.
There's a land between Now and The Future that is a wilderness in which I have become mired, which may explain my recent lack of blogging. It has kind of left me with nothing to say, because nothing I can think of seems like a message momentous enough to say.
